Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
he high fived his dick after we had sex
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
