My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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