I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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