with your own penis?
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Randomize
