i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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