Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
