I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Randomize