I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
