if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
