We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
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