I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
