You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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