I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
