we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Randomize
