I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
You were trust falling into bushes
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Randomize
