Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
