Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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