I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
