I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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