I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
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