i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Randomize
