why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
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Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
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Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
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