final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Randomize
