So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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