He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize
