can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
