yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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