What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
