omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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