The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
