so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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