is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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