Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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