You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
