happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
