Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
