The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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