THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Everclear isn't food dammit
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
