You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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