i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
