So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
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it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
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Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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