Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
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