she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize