My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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