Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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