Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
