I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Randomize
