how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
