I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
