I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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