she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
