My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i just google imaged poop.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
