If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
