anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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