gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Randomize
