my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
