So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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