is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
