he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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