Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
then he tried to convert me to islam
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
