it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
