she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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